Thursday, February 3, 2011

Change and a Secret

 photo by me

So I usually don't do this, but the other day I caught myself reading an article from Brandon's subscription to Men's Health magazine. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was bored, or maybe it had ALOT to do with the hot guy on the front cover. :) Either way, I found the article rather interesting.

In an interview with Olivia Wilde, she talked about her marriage to Tao Ruspoli, who is 9 years her senior. "You're going to change as you grow older, and that messes up a lot of relationships," she says. "The key to long-lasting romance," Wilde says, "is to accept that nothing stays the same. The best you can do is adjust along the way."

I couldn't have said it better myself. Change is super hard in this crazy thing called life but add love into the mix, and BAM!, you've got a huge mess on your hands. 

Change means that you are stepping out into unfamiliar territory. It means that you have to alter your once foolproof routine. It means you have to accept that things will no longer be the same. 

As we grow older our appearance changes, our interests change, and even the way we conduct ourselves in relationships change. For many women, when a relationship undergoes a change it is a signal that their relationship is in danger, and they react to it in extremely dangerous ways. Dangerous because their actions can become the reason the relationship is failing if their behavior continues.

Olivia Wilde knew going into her marriage, with a 9 year age difference, that things would constantly be changing over time. Understanding this before stepping into a serious relationship saves not only time, but serious heartache if things fail. It's kind of like prep school for your heart. Always know that with time everything changes. Prepare your mind and heart now...

Now on to the secret!

I have a secret (duh! I just said that), but not just A secret, THE secret to love that lasts!

I've been reading a book called The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This is like serious counseling that you get for a one time fee of $14.99 from a bookstore. Now, that's a steal! :)

Dr. Chapman starts the first chapter of the book out with a question: What happens to love after the wedding? He goes on to answer this question with stories from his personal experience as a marriage counselor.

Thousands of married and divorced couples are asking the exact same question. Dr. Chapman says our desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological make-up, and keeping our love alive in our marriages is serious business.

The answer to that one simple question is what this book is ALL about. The big fat truth that we all miss is that people speak in different love languages. That's right, LOVE has a language all its own!

And, here they are: 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time, 3) receiving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch.

The different languages between you and your significant other could be as different as Chinese from English. You have to identify and learn to speak your spouse's love language. Your love doesn't need to fade away after the wedding, you just need to keep it alive and put forth some honest to goodness effort to learn a second love language!

He continues to go into some really good detail on each the 5 languages.

Words of Affirmation: "Wow! You look hot in that dress!" "You look sharp in that suit." "I love how you are so responsible. I feel like I can count on you."

Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention. Talking, looking at each other, and enjoying each other's company.

Receiving Gifts: Gift giving is a fundamental expression of love. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or "She remembered me."

Acts of Service: Actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the house, keeping the car in good condition, paying the bills. This list goes on and on. They require thought, planning, time and effort.

Physical Touch: Touch has power. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sex. These are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse.

All of these love languages help make people feel secure in their love and relationship, but it's up to you to figure out what language you speak and what language your spouse (boyfriend) speaks. (There's also a section in the book that helps you figure your language out!)

And he concludes with "Couples who understand each other's love language hold a priceless advantage in the quest for love that lasts a lifetime - they know how to effectively and consistently make each other feel truly and deeply love. That gift never fades away." 

Now go out and read this book!

14 comments:

  1. Fantastic post! I really enjoyed reading this :)

    I'm ecstatic that I found another 5 Love Languages fan! I read this book several months ago while doing an internship with a marriage & family counselor. This book is amazing! It's such a simple concept, but it's not one that most people will figure out on their own.

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  2. Hubs and I had to read this book and do a one day conference on it as part of our marriage counseling 5 years ago. We both speak very different love languagues and it has gotten harder for us the longer we have been married to make sure that we are taking the time to "supply" the love that the other needs. I may need to dig this book out and re-read it. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post. I just came across your blog but I can't wait to come back and read more. I am a brand new follower.

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  3. Love the love languages books, it really has helped me in my relationship!

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  4. This is an awesome post! I think you figured it out, spot on. As someone who's been in a relationship for seven years, I know how much people and relationships change. But it is possible! Thanks for posting {and being a great blog friend, of course :)}

    xoxo,
    Joelle

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  5. LOVE The 5 Love Languages!!! I think it should be a required book! Def helped me better understand relationships and how we are all different but how, together, we can fill each other's love tanks! Love & Respect is another great book.

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  6. I would love to read that book :) it sounds exactly what i'm looking for right now! thanks so much for this post girl! love your blog!

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  7. what a great post!! thats so true about love. :) and I love that you picked up the mag because of the hot dude on the cover...haha all girls think alike!

    gorgeous flower photo too!!

    xoxoxo

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  8. My girlfriend bought this book a few years ago and she had rave reviews about it and what it did for her. I've been meaning to check it out but I think I already know what category my hubby and I fall into :) Either way I would still love to read it because Andrew and I are so far from perfect! Happy Friday girl, great post xoxo

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  9. Such a great post about marriage! It is so true that everything will change as time goes on. Sometimes change is scary, but we have to realize that!!

    I love the love languages book! I don't think that my hubby has read it though, so I might have to make him!!

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  10. I love the Love Languages concept! I just think it's completely logical!

    Also, I have a photo VERY similar to the one in this post, with identical flowers, only mine are purple! :D

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  11. thank you for this post - my friend jessica has recommended this book to me, and your post just affirms that i need to read it :)

    xx

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  12. I really want to read that book! Is it bad that I feel like all of those could be my love language? lol

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  13. I've heard wonderful things about this book! I'll have to read it to prepare for marriage someday (: Wonderful post, Alisha!

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  14. love it! i need a new book to read! and the answer to your question, i havent taken any photography classes..but i need to! i feel im missing out alot on my camera! :)
    -kar

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